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Warning: This story deals with details of sexual assault and may be distressing.

A man “violently” raped his ex-wife and mother of his child, as their 5-year-old daughter lay sleeping next to them.

The 35-year-old man’s former partner said, in her victim impact statement at sentencing today, that despite their separation she’d tried to co-parent with him “respectfully”.

They had been living in the same Tauranga house, sleeping in different bedrooms.

After returning late one night, the man, who can’t be named for legal reasons, came into the now 35-year-old woman’s room and asked if he could lie in the bed, so he could be next to their daughter.

He later asked for a hug, which she agreed to as they’d had some vulnerable discussions earlier that night.

It soon escalated to him making sexual advances, which she tried to stop.

“The man I once trusted violently raped me in my own home with our daughter sleeping next to me,” she said.

“This wasn’t a stranger, this was the man I married, the father of my child, someone I believed loved me... it broke my sense of who I was.”

The attack had left her struggling with sleep, energy, and her appetite; she’d had panic attacks, and it had affected her ability to feel love towards her children.

“They have always been my world. It took me nearly nine months of therapy and hard personal work just to... [reconnect] with my emotions.”

His attack, and her decision to report it, meant she was now on her own in terms of parenting, and she said he’d made no financial provision for their daughter before the potential guilty verdict.

“I was the one attacked, and yet I’m the one paying for it in more ways than one,” she said.

For three years, she’d been trying to explain herself to friends and the man’s family, who thought she was lying because she continued to co-parent with him, despite the then-forthcoming trial.

“No one outside truly understood what I was navigating legally, emotionally, and for the wellbeing of my children. I was judged for smiling in photos, for coping... it felt like the more I tried to heal, the more others doubted me.”

‘No ambiguity’ at time of rape, says judge

Judge Bill Lawson said the man continued to deny the rape, despite being found guilty by a jury.

However, the judge said it was clear from the evidence the woman had not consented.

“She was crying and she was trying to push you away,” the judge said.

The man had followed the woman to another room where he apologised, and sometime later had also apologised to the woman’s sister over the phone.

“In other words, you had admitted what you had done,” Judge Lawson said.

The 35-year-old man was sentenced to four years and one month imprisonment, when he appeared in the Tauranga District Court on Monday.

The court was provided with character references, including from another former partner with whom the man had a child, as well as business associates, colleagues, and friends.

“They say you are a devoted and committed father, that you are a good parent, and you are described as kind and generous, and hard working.”

Crown prosecutor Caitlin Bourke said the aggravating features included a breach of trust, the presence of the daughter in the bed, and the inherent violence of the attack.

The judge accepted that while the 5-year-old hadn’t been awake or aware of what was happening, her mother was aware of her presence, and this may have impacted her “ability to act”.

The man’s lawyer, Nick Dutch, said the circumstances in the man’s case were unique, as there had been some ambiguity about what was normal practice between the man and the victim, in terms of sexual conduct.

Judge Lawson said what was clear was that while the pair was living in the same house, there had been no recent reconciliation.

“There may well have been some ambiguity around the arrangements for your sexual connections in the past, but I do not accept there was any ambiguity at the time of this sexual violation by rape,” he said.

He accepted their co-habitation, co-parenting, going into the same bed by agreement, and the consensual hug, may well have “created some confusion on your part”.

But that didn’t mean there had been reasonable grounds to think the woman was consenting.

While the man may have been “confused in the moment”, there had been signs of a lack of consent that “any reasonable person” would have seen, and stopped.

“You didn’t do that,” the judge said.

Judge Lawson adopted a starting point of five-and-a-half years’ imprisonment, giving a 15% discount for previous good character, and 10% discount for the impact of his incarceration on his two children.

He was sentenced to imprisonment for four years and one month.

There were tears from his supporters as he was led away.

SEXUAL HARM

Where to get help:
If it's an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
If you've ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact  confidentially, any time 24/7:
• Call 0800 044 334
• Text 4334
• Email [email protected]
• For more info or to web chat visit 
Alternatively contact your local police station - 
If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it's not your fault.

Hannah Bartlett is a Tauranga-based Open Justice reporter at ��һ�ǿ�����. She previously covered court and local government for the Nelson Mail, and before that was a radio reporter at ��һ�ǿ�����talk ZB.